I've come to the conclusion that love is more
 and less than what my original assumptions took it to
 be. Part of me used to think that love as this
 neverending, continuous lust for a person of the
 opposite sex. Can you tell I was in high school
 at that time? Hormones a ragin' and kickin'.
 That's like, the ultimate in childish estrogen
 taking over. Hello, nice bod, I want you...please
 drive thru. Ah heck, I wasn't what you'd consider
 dating material in school. Between being a geek
 and being a nerd...well, it left little in between
 for any guy. Besides, I wasn't what one could
 determine as being attractive. I was very overweight
 and awkward...typical, eh? No cheerleading for me =)

	Sex was, well....that's all it was really. Sex.
 Use your imagination for different places to do it.
 (I'm keeping this clean btw, not sure if any of my
 family will see this) When I first moved out, the
 guy I was seeing found my sister more interesting,
 and thus begain a long chain of semi relationships
 in which the guys have either gone for my roomie,
 my sister, or my friends. I hate being used, can't
 you tell? It took me a while, but I've finally come
 to a conclusion...

	Love is what you make of it. Love can be the
 sweetest, most passionate kiss. It can be innocence
 found in a caress. Unceasing emotional turmoil, pain
, even hate. Love can be an obsession, but obsession
 will never be love. Obsession is taking things a bit
 too far. We are no one's property. No one owns us.
  If a person you're seeing (male or female) tells you
 you can't go out, or you can't do this or that, pardon
 me, but that's not love in my opinion. That's a control
 freak getting their jollies off of running your life.
 Love's a bitch enough sometimes, as is life. You don't
 need more than you can handle. 

	I'm 23 now, as I sit and tap this out on my
 friend's keyboard. I'm 23, single, and bemoaning the
 fact thereof. You see, some people are made to go
 thru life alone...and that's what's right for them.
 Then there are those who will always have someone
 with them thru the years. But if you look deeper,
 you'll find those of us detined to wander the world
 alone, yet needing the touch of another. We seem to
 make better friends than lovers imho, but then again,
 that's a reflection on my own life. I abhor my single
 state, I abhor it to the point of where I'm giving up
 on the idea of relationships. You can't tell it by
 looking at me, but I've been thru more relationships
 than Imelda Marcos had shoes in her closet. And each
 time I cared about said person, I'd inevitably end up
 suffering in the end. Some of my relationships were
 based upon friendship, and those seemed to work. Some
 were based upon more physical things, and in the end
 they didn't work out, but I had no regrets as we both
 knew it was going to happen. Then there were those few
 that I found myself very attatched to, emotionally
 speaking. The first left me for my sister, as did the
 second. One was sleeping with a close friend while we
 were together. I only found out cause I was at the bar
 and saw them. Another fell for a person I was living
 with at the time. How embarrassing, I'm still bloody
 amazed I took it so well. A few others had girlfriends,
 etc. Now, this isn't meant to be a diatribe on the male
 gender, but as I am female...you know what I mean.

	Wherein lies the justice of love? There isn't
 any. Looking for a reason behind love is like trying
 to find the prize in a box of cereal. Damned
 impossible, especially if you have more than one sibling.
 Here, I'll give you an example. A bit over a month or so
 ago, I was chatting with a friend on the phone, and thru
 her met this really cool guy. Keeping in mind that he's
 on the other side of the US, I didn't see him. After
 the first time we talked on the phone, it became natural
 to talk more. Pretty soon it was almost a nightly ritual.
 Here I was, telling this guy I'd never met about my life,
 daily problems, etc...and thus he did the same in return.
 Pretty soon I started getting these warm fuzzy feelings
 whenever I'd talk to him or even think of him. Such a
 doll! Anyhow...the culmination of this story is when I
 actually met him. Everything I wanted in a mate...but
 there was to be no paradise. Come to find out that his
 feelings run more toward another friend of myne that he
 met a few weeks ago. Needless to say that the time I'd
 spent with him irl had done nothing to dull my feelings
 for him...not saying this is a sexual thing...this was
 something that I could see lasting a long time. My friends
 told me to have patience, and thus I tried, yet it still
 failed in the end. We talked about it, but something tells
 me I'll never really and truly be able to express what I
 felt and still feel for him. I don't blame what happened
 on him, or on my other friend...I blame it on myself
 for allowing myself to become so emotionally involved. But
 if someone else makes him happy in ways that I can't, then
 I guess it's time to step aside. Who knows if this was
 love...I care enough about him to step aside and not
 cause problems...to sit on the sidelines and pray that
 he'll be happy. Sometimes I think I give too much of
 myself...perhaps sometimes I don't give enough. 

	I'm hurting right now. Inside it's as if
 I've nothing...no heart, no soul, nothing to speak
 of. Yet I know because of that dullness that something
 still remains. Memories will fade with time, and that's
 what I need. Time to recover, to recouperate, to build
 myself back up. Love is something that we, the human
 race, need to survive. Love is a constant battlefield...
 and a tip of my hat to those people out there who are,
 have been, or will be involved in a permanent relationship.
 My parents are still married after 27 years...I only hope
 the happiness I see in them and others will persist and
 linger on. We all need that little touch of love in
 our life...it's just the getting burned that bites. =)